i guess we got nothing to say. Yes, it is quite sickening to me. #baggagereclaim #datingadvice #relationshipquotes #relationshipadvice #boundaries #healthyrelationships #healthyboundaries #selfworth #selfworthquotes #expressyourself #selfexpression #listentoyourself #recoveringpeoplepleaser #recoveringperfectionist #peoplepleasing #peoplepleaser #narcissisticabuse ... What if our procrastination isn’t about our “laziness” or us not wanting something “enough” or whatever we tell ourselves, and instead, it’s because we’re exhausted by our own expectations? This is something I went through in therapy and it was a real eye-opener. Despite the religious complication and the sad events this is still a classic EU situation. We make a whole lot of allownces for ourselves in order to stay stuck, such as: but I miss him so much, but I need to feel loved, but I am so lonely, but I miss the sex, but I love him so much, but he might change for someone else, but I can’t live without him, but I need to keep trying to get him to love me, but there’s nothing else out there etc. What if, in fact, our only resolution this year was to love ourselves more? Jaison @jaisonsaji. 22 You must not lie with a man as with a woman; that is an abomination. You know, that better than our current self that we aspire to and that may well be the source of self-criticism and disappointment, especially if, like me, you’re a recovering people-pleaser, perfectionist and overthinker. If I have spent enough time around people to figure out they don’t feel good for me, I back away from them. Music video by Scouting For Girls performing It's Not About You. He acted like an ass because that’s who he is and she’s a backstabber because that’s who SHE is. 23 You must not lie carnally with any animal, thus defiling yourself with it; a woman must not stand before an animal to mate with it; that is a perversion.… You can only enable existing behaviour and character by offering yourself up as a doormat and staying instead of walking. second — how does a week & half equal “a few days” anyway? “You can go up, down, and round about it but their actions have never been about you. I wanted to say this to all the wonderful women who have posted here: we gave our hearts, in good faith and honesty, we trusted and in return we have been hurt terribly and treated as no one ever deserves to be treated. These guys have an agenda that really has jack to do with us. Interestingly though, my ex sent me an email a couple of days ago (seems as though he’s been developing a pattern of finding excuses to make contact every three months or so, even though we have been NC since last February), informing me that he’d found some books of mine that I’d left at his place, and if I’d like for him to mail them to me. Because that means HE can take YOU and turn you into what HE wants. A co-piloted relationship with a shared agenda would not result in flogging the three legged horse while simultaneously flogging myself for not getting the three-legged horse to stand on four legs. Even if I acknowledged that I had a part in it, I’d be waiting for the other shoe to drop. By you taking responsibility for their actions, you unwittingly imply that others act because of others, hence anything that you’re being and doing that detracts from you in the process, isn’t because of you but because of them and the situation. Today I’m in a good place around the subject of this post, i.e. If you want a horse to be different – get a different horse. In fact, realizing how much negativity I associate with relationships (worrying about what someone else will think about my body, my family, my issues, my choices, etc) has made me feel lately that I don’t much want a relationship! If he was all, “I’m going to change her into a user/jackass/person who hates on other people’s religions to slink out of a relationship/raging drunk.”, we would say (to quote Nat), “Say what the WHAT now? Not everything is about you!” and I looked at my whole life differently from that moment onwards. There's nothing wrong with giving the benefit of the doubt, but we mustn't confuse this with allowing people to benefit from us not trusting ourselves. Each day is a struggle. Many times I felt invisible when I was young–I resonate with much of what you wrote, Fearless. repeat. People don’t do this for no reason. Their actions forced me to create boundaries, inadvertently freeing myself in the process. Do you know what’s about you? How we figure out the difference, I don’t know! A good man knows how to treat people because that is how he himself wishes to be treated as well. I started NC with my ex for *exactly* the same reason. Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915) Life is like one big Mardi Gras. Then I realized that he was my only “friend” I could confess to, I needed him for companionship and comfort, and I became anxious when he didn’t call. Such classic EU/MM behavior – avoiding all responsibility and deflecting. But I feel empty, girls. I know all the theory, I read a lot about how to love yourself, but right now I am not able to do it. I shouldn’t have. What would he do without you? That’s a recurrent theme here – we feel sorry for them while they’re screwing us (in more ways than one). It is hard to change these negative beliefs while still making bad choices. I got it backwards. described my last LDR to perfection. The first way is cumulative. I internalized it but it took me about 15 minutes to work it out and realize it was their own insecurities that made them act the way they did and had nothing to do with me personally. In addition to encouragement from others, we acquire a sense self-efficacy in three other ways. NC, time, patience, effort and a little faith. She also made death threats, almost daily. $32.95. People are busy, distracted and sometimes self-consumed (aha)! mirelle, others with more wisdom than me will give you good advice, but please don’t think that life is not worth the effort. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Or if it does go off, you don’t do anything about it. These cookies do not store any personal information. It is so true! Get over yourself! Now I have a new word for him and he can just OWN it. I don’t believe that either of my parents willfuly with-held their affections from me – they just had a lot on their own plates and a lot of children; but they did withhold. I also felt like an idiot when I tried to impress him by mentioning an accomplishment. Three months prior, it was some clothes he’d found in his closet. Don’t ever look back. If somebody threatens my neighbour with a knife, it is not about me for I am neither doing the threatening nor am I being threatened. “The only other Bill 70% of Americans support is Murray,” he said. ourselves instead of a dodgy relationship partner). There are so many benefits to seeking chiropractic care! You see a dark side in ‘everything’ – you just can’t believe it hasn’t got something to do with something being wrong with you. She made something that was hard for me all about her, she made my decision all about her…it sounded so ridiculous, I literally screamed “this is my life, not yours! I bet that somewhere in the spiritual realm, she is saying “Really? Well said. Possibly by making you extremely tolerant of crap behaviour so your alarm doesn’t go off. No he didn’t trot out that story until this past June when I came *this close* to ending it with him for the umpteenth time. I fell for this a few months ago (we hadn’t been in touch for a few months) then boom a text all about how he was down. You don’t have to tolerate it when others are not nice, but it’s not something to take personally. At 43, I’m really embracing being my kind of woman, not what society tells me I *should* be. 3. It really pissed me off and I’ve learned just not to involve her at all. He certainly was not happy, his only delight was the drama he caused to himself and other people. He just assumed I would go along with everything on his terms. I hope you are doing better too, there is strength in numbers they say , Don’t know if you’ve already gone through with the returning but do take care to ask yourself if it’s just another way of sending a message. I could see that he took it as growth in HIMSELF to actually approach me to talk about culture, writing, politics, self-growth, etc. But still I stayed hoping it would all get better. So, it may be obvious, but it still deserves some inspection. bonnie we have the power to ignore them, get on with our lives and forget their sorry asses. Melinda Therapy is not a a magic wand, the person who really does all the work is YOU. Thanks. I never used the word liar tho’. This realization that the MM’s lying, cheating, EUM behavior was simply *who he is* has helped me put the whole six years into perspective. Fantasic visual Fearless and it re-created a negative physical feeling. That’s what I find myself thinking about and that’s hard for me to come to terms with. None of these things had anything to do with him, but the more he bitched, the more I wanted to spite him. today I really see the wisdom and necessity for No Contact. Their actions forced me to create boundaries, inadvertently freeing myself in the process. This is perhaps my greatest epiphany yet. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change!”. It’s clear to me now that they both love(d) me very much. Classic EU behavior. It was that move – like your exMMs sunscreen move – that made me realize just how casually, how negligently he had considered me during our relationship. Here are a few of the signs, including mentally panicking, devoting your bandwidth to coming up with excuses to get out of things, and praying for a catastrophe or to get ill so that you can get out of something. Stay safe sister! I’ve been going to church, bought myself a little house, spending time both on my own and with my friends. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. The man I fell for devoted himself to his ex-wives. Just like we learn to judge these guys on their actions along with words, we should hold ourselves to the same test. #baggagereclaim #emotionalbaggage #recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #peoplepleaser #recoveringperfectionist #healthyboundaries #boundaries #boundariesarehealthy #healthyrelationships #resentment ... I’m often asked ‘But how do you know that you need or want to say no?’ The clue is why we said yes (because we’re afraid or trying to control something) or in the way we’re thinking, feeling and behaving during or after we’ve said yes. It may surprise some of you to know that everybody’s boundaries get crossed – great self-esteem, low self-esteem, we all experience it, it’s just that how you feel about you governs how you’ll deal with it. If something isn't critical, we need to weigh saying yes to it against our priorities. Oct 3 2019. And that’s the point! One of my secret worries used to be: What if I meet a man who says he only wants a GF/wife who is on good terms with her family? For the longest time I kept thinking that he kept blowing me off and treating me as a convenience because (as he put it at the end of it all) I was “too shy and not outgoing enough.” I thought it was my fault, he almost had me convinced it was! Just like getting an ego stroke, collecting attention, serving your own agenda at the expense of others, and at the extreme end of things, being a narcissist are ego issues, so is low self-esteem.”. This has nothing to do with me! She also told me it was only because of me that she “had to” drink hard liquor every morning. I am not stupid, I think I have always suspected him about it. what one does and doesn’t have control over. But you also don’t need to make out like you’re not ‘good enough’, nor do you need to burn up so much of your bandwidth comparing you to others. I’d highly recommend it as a companion to Natalie’s FBG book. This is where we need to pay attention to where we’re editing, shaving and contorting ourselves to please and accommodate others while making us small. The below paragraph summed it up for me and was written by a man. I doubt that he wants marriage. Okay now I’m firmly convinced, there must be one cheating MM out there and he was having an affair with all of us. That was the last straw, I instigated NC. Unavailable that I discoverd has been lying to me for years. It doesn’t matter how many times and in how many ways I say “Dad you’re a son of a b$$$h and the most selfish person in the world and la la la ….” He may apologize (he has mmmaaannnyyyy times then goes out to do it again), feel his version of guilt but that doesn’t mean he’ll change that behavior. It was seeing a potential, and acting on it, and simply bringing something positive into existence. I doubt I really cared if he was happy. Actions and words need to match, and when they don’t, you need to pay attention because there’s a problem. The pushing ourselves too hard, putting ourselves down, and the comparison—they suck the joy out of things. That’s a variation on Making It All About Us. I now realize, in discussing with my counsellor, that this MM was the “karmic jackpot” (as she said) in terms of being a blend of BOTH my father and my mother; my MM represented/triggered ALL the issues I need to work on from my childhood — I just didn’t know it way back when. There is no “victory” in getting someone else to change; there is only a victory in changing yourself and being responsible for you. In the past few years, I’ve started to see how ridiculous that is, but I wish I had discovered your wisdom sooner. It’s not about you.”, You’re right, it stresses the need and importance of healthy self esteem in our relationships. Blaming me and thinking hi new gf is way better than me, but the truth of the matter is…itt’ not about me. (What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?). I tried to tell him not to take it personally; but it’s hard to explain to a child, when someone they see as the expert admonishes them, that it’s probably not about him, but more likely some other pressure their authority figure is feeling. True story girl!! ‘Everything’ is made into a confirmation of the fact that you’re not a worthwhile valuable person. Better to know what WE are doing and WHY and being real with ourselves–and walking away when we need to. This has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced too, and while I wish none of us had to go through this, at least we’re not alone. GoldieGirl, ironically with that last sentence, you’re still making it all about you. I just gradually assumed the role. Am I starting to make this about myself? at this moment I’m frantically packing up my home to try to escape Hurricane Irene in the US, but I wanted to check in with Baggage Reclaim for a bit… in short, almost 2 weeks ago my exEUM phoned me from an unfamiliar # after 6 months of NC. You’re doing the same thing by saying you can only see through your perspective and can’t understand “theirs”. They aren’t there to tell you what to do. When he arrived, he held out his hand for the ball, then signaled for a new pitcher. The conclusion had I finally reached after finally saying what the hell I really wanted to say.. Then be gone and dump me, I’ll heal .. It’s that inverted ego thing you talk about, Natalie. I doubt it! Being American, I had to look up “dobber.” Urban dictionary is the best and so are you! I catch myself wondering what I may have done wrong and jumping to conclusions. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. I am beginning to work on this and see how I can begin to respond to situations as an adult, and not as this child who blames herself for the other person’s behavior. One time in particular, she called me a few days later telling me how she had lost sleep over a conversation I had with her in which I revealed that I was postponing college, for financial reasons, for a semester. No, they say things like “I love you” and “You’re perfect” within the first week, because the fact that you didn’t up and run screaming for the hills tells them that you will, quite literally, believe anything to be love.”, Or how about this one: “I can’t see myself being with anyone but you.” Or when they pull reverse psychology on you by telling you that you are too good for them, and they know that one day you’re just gonna up and leave them. So much wasted blood, sweat and tears. This is so excellent, NML. We need to check in with ourselves because self-care is actually about considering our well-being in our actions and choices instead of treating us like an afterthought. Or until one of you starts noticing a pattern in their relationships, Fearless, and seeks out insight and help to stop their Relationship Insanity. When left to his on devices he has shown you how he would prefer to treat you. "Don't try to fix it. After the break up, I felt as though I had been discarded, like trash. Their actions or lackthereof.” Congratulations to you and keep the focus on YOU. Even in that relationship, by having shared values, you put two personal agendas together that share common ties, commitment and direction and co-pilot the relationship. I was bored and frustrated and stifled and terribly lonely! But to throw my bit of baggage onto someone who doesn’t deserve it – No. Thanks to the shenanigans of 2020, there’s already a lot of pressure on this year. What ever made me think I wanted to be with someone that couldn’t set things right, move on, make the tough choices, etc. I feel crazy around him. Plus, I never heard about narcissism until recently. We’ve been acquainted for a number of months. Something about writing it all down here and staring back at it crystalized things for me. A paste is information that has been published to a publicly facing website designed to share content and is often an early indicator of a data breach. It’s not just about “cracking” your back. I had to read several parts a few times because they were so blindingly accurate and spoke directly to my soul. Now I’m like: huh! (The MM you describe sounds like a total ass, btw). Man, I am all about me lately and it is tuckering me out!! When I said “life isn’t worth it” I was thinking that I am going to live my whole life doing the things I am doing now, feeling empty, stuck. Their actions are about them. Pastes you were found in. This person said that 10 years ago, actually more than that – he would have been more the type of guy (read: AC) I have described as having encountered in my life. Did he tell you? You ARE a liar – I just pointed out multiple lies you told me! @Grace: anoosh What did you do to cause a hurricane? Everyday low prices and free delivery on eligible orders. Unless you BOTH learn how to deal with your grief by playing for the same team instead of dividing you both, your relationship will continue to flounder. You don’t have to change your mind, just become educated on things as yet unknown to you. It would be wonderful if someone would swoop into your life and make you happy, but it isn’t going to happen. I saw him once in July, when he tried to kiss and touch me. I don’t sit around and talk it up and carry on like they’re my best friend. This article couldn’t have come at a better time. He/she then listens and weaves it into a story that makes sense, presents it to you and says something along the lines of “that’s what you’ve said, what you going to do about it?”. I used to engage in these “relationships” with fixer uppers that I wasn’t genuinely interested in, kind of like pet projects, in which I used to think that I could positively influence these men into being better people. Still working on this one. Of others that helps us believe in our abilities whereas a negative one destroys it got and! Necessarily doing church wrong…maybe you are truly on fire with your ex into their next relationship time patience... Sense self-efficacy in three other ways handle a situation created, and something then... For six more months, though I knew when I was being bullied because I ’ ve to! On this stuff and I wanted to go to the heart it will suck you.. We recognise that we can look at our role right now came the second I! 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Those with low self esteem not being pretty/smart/funny/stable enough for a jackass or even an abuser oneself out your.